As some of you may know, I’ve decided to create a life without alcohol.
Leading up to “Day 1” of my sobriety, I had bouts of sober curiousity; wondering what life would be like if I were to quit drinking. A quiet knowing that my life would probably be better without booze. I had taken breaks before, but always started back up again after a period of time, convincing myself I could create boundaries by making empty promises like, “I'll only have 1 glass on weeknights...no more than 2 drinks on weekends.” And every time I created an excuse so I could weasel out of those promises for the 84394th time.
I know realize what was stopping me was FEAR. What will I do with my weekends? How will I celebrate? Will I be that girl people feel awkward around? Will my friends still want to hang out with me? How will I unwind at night? What if I don't enjoy life? And worst of all, What if I don’t know who I am without it?
When it came down to it, I knew deep down that drinking was taking over.
I was drinking to relax, to celebrate, drinking to make dinner, to socialize, to destress.
Constantly chasing that buzz, the warm + fuzzy, that feeling of being free, unedited and feeling unapologetic about it. Like being drunk was necessary. Justified. Deserved. Even cool.
But it was deeper than that. This shit started way before I became a mom. I've been drinking hard since I was in college, away from my family for the 1st time, realizing how deep my pain was and how desperately i craved to be understood.
I now realize I drank to FEEL. I drank to truly experience my pain. Let it wash over me. I drank to drown out the pain. I drank to have an excuse for crazy behavior. I drank because I was sick of being held on a pedestal by my parents. I drank because I was sick of acting like I had my shit together.
I drank because I wanted people to know I was in pain.
I drank hard as a cry for help.
And each day I gave into alcohol, it’s hold was getting stronger. louder, pulling me down into it’s darkness. And yea, this dance is a much longer conversation for perhaps another day, but in summary:
Alcohol was taking away more than it was giving.
So, I decided that my dance with alcohol need to come to an end.
As I write this blog, I realize I’ve been sober for 111 days.
While I'm humble enough to know that this chapter is just unfolding, here's a few things that I’ve learned:
We are fun without alcohol
We have so much more free time
Not being hungover is the best thing. Ever.
Our energy levels increase
We can laugh just as hard
Our bodies are healthier (I’m down 14 lbs. BANANAS)
Our skin shines brighter
Our sleep is deeper + more restorative
Our thinking is clearer
We can actually FEEL OUR FEELINGS (which = moving thru them + releasing the shitty ones so you can truly LIVE)
The world feels more vibrant 🌈
And friends, I'm still scared. I'm still creating new rituals. I'm still having cravings. I know I have a long way to go. But that's ok. Because as a brilliant woman once said, "This is what it looks like.” This is what's real. Doing the work. Showing up. Taking it one day at a time.
Getting sober is hard AF + will bring you to your knees, but it has been SO WORTH IT, sisters.
Thank you for being a part of my recovery story.
I hope by sharing it can lead to others examining their beliefs + sharing their truth.
P.S. I’m hosting a sober-curious event called “LIT From Within” full of sober surprises; rad music, Buti yoga, raffles, talks, experiences, crystal elixirs, seltzer bar and more. Bring an open mind + a sober curiosity. Grab your spot here: https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/classic/ws?studioid=645957&stype=-7&sTG=26&sView=day&sLoc=0&date=10/19/18